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I was sitting in a field of Phlox's one day when . . .
a gigantic butterfly fluttered past. "Whup, whup" went its wings. It was like a giant whirlwind so I pulled out my 12 gage shotgun and . . .
shot the branch on the tree that was right next to me so that the branch fell down and crushed the butterfly. Then a windy wing pony came by and said,
"Hey you moron, you just killed my Mom! Now I shall get my revenge! I will destroy you with my lightsaber!"
She brought out her lightsaber and tried to kill me with it but I also had one and chopped off her wings with it.
"Damn!" She snarled, her green eyes flashing with rage. "Okay, then I shall use my Jedi . . ." But she was not to finish her statement for a giant barbarian slashed her to pieces with his sword. "DAAAHHH!" He said.
"Chewbacca, you made it. Nice to see you old pal."
"DAAHH!"
"Yeah, I hate those ponies too."
Suddenly in an inexplicable interdimensional portal, Kinderyena appeared. She looked over at Chewy and said, "Wow, a giant chew toy!" and affixed herself to chewy's right buttock.
"DAAHH!"
Then Wesly Crusher came out of the same portal and said "Kinderyena, your not allowed in this dimension, get back now!"
"Me? Not belong here?" Said Kinderyena loosening her grip. "Shouldn't . . . you . . . be . . . DEAD!?" With that she let go of Chewbacca and tore Westly into 100,000 pieces, precisely.
(and there was much rejoicing)
(Yay!)
Meanwhile, I decided that this all was just too weird and left Chewbacca to fend for himself back there. I decided to go see how King Arthur, King of the Britons is doing on his quest for the Holy Grail.
Unfortunately he was already in jail. Only Merlin was left and for some reason he was really in a bad mood and sent 100,000 rabid poodles after me. After remarking to myself that this was also extraordinarily odd.
I just hate these kind of days. This has happened to me before when . . .
I was going to wheeling West Virginia on American flight 5867298643. The stewardesses were all very attractive and . . .
I killed them all with my lightsaber because nothing that attractive should exist. Meanwhile, after hacking all 100,000 rabid poodles, I decided to go take a bath because I had poodle guts all over me.
There's nothing in the universe worse than poodle guts but I was in the middle of nowhere, so I had nowhere to take a bath. In the end I ran over to Loch Ness and swam around in there.
Suddenly, I was eaten by the Lock Ness monster. Boy, the world looks different from inside the monster's stomach.
Actually the inside of it's stomach was actually a gateway to another dimension. Seconds later I found myself standing on the bridge of a Klingon ship.
Man, these guys have the worse hygiene that I have ever seen. But, they are kinda cute, in a barbaric kind of way.
So, they taught me how to use a bat'telh and I decided that this dimension was interesting but I wanted to explore lots of universes. So by clicking my heel's together three times and saying "Dnok Cha", I visited yet another dimension. I found myself standing next to . . .
Mark Hamil on the set of Star Wars. They were filming the scene right after the Death Star was destroyed. Suddenly he screamed "Carrie."
I said "alakazam" and he turned into a large turnip. I laughed and pointed at him but the rest of the cast was not amused. They started tearing up the set and throwing it at me. After R2D2 hit me on the head, I decided to leave.
I clicked my heels together three times and said "There's no place like home." Then I found myself on the bridge of the Heart of Gold Starship.
"Damn elevators," I said.
"Hello," said Zaphod Beeblebrox.
"Quite spiffy actually." I said. "I just screwed up the making of Star Wars. It was cool."
"Fantastic!" said Zaphod.
"Computer, what is the probability of my landing here?"
"54,761,761,890,349 to 1."
"Cool, so when can I learn to fly?"
"Why do you need to learn to fly? I do everything for you. It was programed into me."
"Okay, anyway, where are we going?"
"I have no idea," said Zaphod.
I looked around the room and most of them looked human. I thought to myself, why was one of them wearing a bathrobe?
I still wanted to learn how to fly, though. So I decided to visit yet another universe. I rolled my eyes, snapped my fingers ten times and did the macarena.
"Improbability of 607,689,167,987,675 to 1", blathered the computer.
"See you later", said Marvino. "Not that it will do you any good." he added.
Seconds later I found myself sitting in a field of warm green grass in the sunshine. This is delightful, I thought to myself. The silence was shattered by a war cry that sounded suspiciously like Xena. But instead of Lucy Lawless an entire herd of My Little Ponies were staring me down.
"There he is! Get him!" screamed the wingless highflier.
The problem with pony land is that a lot of them are unicorns.
I remember my mother always telling me to never play leap frog with a unicorn. This is really going to suck because there are a ton of them headed towards me. And so I ran away from there, but right behind me was the unicorns. But up ahead there was a tree, Oh glory me. The lowest branch was ten feet high, I had to jump and give it a try. And so I jumped into the air, but I missed that branch, oh way up there. But don't you fret and don't you frown, cause I caught that branch on the way back down.
So there I was hanging from a branch on the tree. The unicorns were waiting at the base of the tree. Another bad thing about pony land is all of the pegasi. Dancing butterflies flew right up to me and kicked me.
"This one's for Luck!" she said.
I asked it how it could possibly know Luke. That was two universes over from here. Screw this, I'm leaving again. Now I found myself in South Park and the four boys were there.
Suddenly, the Underpants gnomes went by and stole my underpants!
"Man that sucks," said Stan.
"Munamammahhum!" said Kenney.
"You said it!" I said.
"Boy, Tweeks was right about them. That kicks ass." said Cartman.
"Alright boys, lets go get them." I got out my lightsaber and went running after the gnomes.
"Wait, wait, we'll give you some of our profit!" said the gnomes after we cornered them.
"Shut up! Now you will die!"
"If you strike us down, we shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
"Shut up you morons!" and I hacked them to pieces and put my underwear back on.
"Kick ass" said Cartman.
Suddenly 100,000 poodles came and consumed the remains of the gnomes. They began to change into . . .
103,429,673 My Little pony unicorns.
"We will have our revenge," they all said in unison. Boy that was loud. It was so loud that by some miracle, the Heart of Gold was orbiting the planet and heard the unicorns cry of revenge.
They turned on the improbability drive and all of the ponies turned into little sponge cakes.
"Improbability of 56,247.3 to 1," said the computer.
"Cool" said Stan.
I really need to find a life, I thought to myself.
"Granted," said Q.
I found myself pulling rocks in a mine in the ancient year 1993.
"Damn!" I said.
Suddenly an Angel appeared out of nowhere. She was the most radiant being that I have ever seen.
"You don't belong here," she told me.
"You belong to another group of beings called the Horta."
"Q, stop it!" I said.
"Was I that obvious?" he said with a smirk.
"Okay. Then you don't want to play then thou shalt be a merry man!"
And instantaneously I was transformed into Friar Tuck.
"Damn!" I said again.
The worst part about it is that Captain Picard was Robin Hood.
"Nice tights," I said to him. "I especially love how that cap covers up your terrible bald spot."
"Where are we? And does Q have anything to do with this," he demanded. Then Q appeared, looking like the Sheriff of Nottingham, and said, "But of course, Mon Capitan."
"AHHH!" I screamed. "Somebody get me out of here!"
I thought my plea would go unanswered as Q smiled maliciously. But suddenly a door opened and Malinar the Spiffy from the land of complete stupidity appeared in the middle of Sherwood forest. He had a black flowing cape and a staff capped with what appeared to be buttocks.
"Q? Don't you have anything better to do?" said Malinar casting a lightning eye at him.
"What the hell is going on?" said Robin-Picard.
"You don't want to know," I told him. "Today has been one hell of a day for me. I woke up from my 1,000 year slumber standing in the middle of a field of Phlox and everything just went down hill from there. I think that my arch enemy, Tim the enchanter, has something to do with this."
Suddenly, Tim the enchanter showed up and everyone disappeared. I found myself looking at the inside of a holodeck.
"Damn!" I cried.
"Hah, wasn't that fun!?" said Tim.
"Nih! Nih! Nih!" I said with fervor.
"Nih? Do I look like a knight? My weakness is Startibartfast, duh!"
"Thanks," suddenly I disappeared and rematerialized right next to Startibartfast. "You have to help me kill my arch enemy, Tim the enchanter."
"What can I possibly do. I just make planets and right now I am working on a wonderful replication of Alderan. You know that it got blown up by the Death Star don't you?"
"Yes of course, but can you help me?"
"Well, his source of power is in the basement. That's all I can tell you."
"Oh great, the basement in this place is 237,000 square miles. How could I possibly find whatever his source of power is. I don't even know what it looks like."
"Maybe you should use the force." Startibartfast said to me.
I used the force and I suddenly appeared in front of a sword stuck into a stone.
"Hmmm" I muttered. I tried to pull it out but I couldn't. I stood there wheezing when a little kid in green walked up. He said "Excuse me", yanked out the sword and disappeared. I was so surprised that I fell over backwards and missed the ground. I flew back to the holodeck and waved at Tim the enchanter.
"Hi again." I said. Poof, I was transformed into a cloud of energy.
"Damn."
It really sucks to be a cloud of energy because you think too fast and it's really bad for you to be in thunderstorms. So I went floating over a clock tower in the middle of a thunderstorm. I had a bad headache to start with and I sensed the presence of a Dolorian.
The dolorian sped towards the clock tower in a mad rush to beat a bolt of lightning. Lightning struck and the dolorian disappeared. Also, I found myself having my body again. Thank the heavens.
"What is that thing!!!" a lady screamed.
"It's a gecko" said a little boy. "Lemme catch it," he said.
For a brief moment I was confused, but in a second I was caught up in his gigantic hands. He plunked me in a terrarium and I was alone again, but suddenly a voice came from the other side of the terrarium.
"You waved didn't you?" it said.
"All I want is to be normal again. But what is normal anyway. Before today, I thought that I had a normal life living with my husband and wife. Making a living and putting my kids through school. Then everything went caca and now I am stuck here in the body of a gecko." Suddenly, a wave of sadness came over me and I started to cry.
"It's okay" said the voice.
Suddenly Michael the archangel appeared in the opposite side of the terrarium.
"Shouldn't you be bigger?" I said.
"If I were bigger, how could I fit in the terrarium?"
"Oh" I said.
"Anyway, I'm going to help you. I'll let you have a normal life for 2 days and see how you like it. If you like it you can keep it, otherwise you'll have to go back to your original life (not as a gecko, mind you)."
"Okay, but before you go, how many angels can fit on the head of a pin?"
"All of them" he said. And in a blinding flash I was gone.
I found myself selling beads at a store called Von's Shops. I was running a cash register for 8 hours straight. It was so boring that I don't know how I could possibly live through another day of this. I longed for my old life back. I pleaded for Michael to come back and return me to my rightful place and time.
"Remember, there's no place like home." A voice told me. Suddenly, I woke up and realized that everything was just a bad dream.
Or so I thought. A Pharlan popped out of nowhere and said, "See how boring normality is! Now do you want to go somewhere or not?"
"Uhh," I said.
"Get a hold of yourself you moron!" at the word moron she slapped me with her wing.
"Ahhh never mind," she said. "I don't know why I bother with Pfifitriggi. No sense of adventure." She then disappeared into a tunnel of light and was gone. I was left alone in my bed.
Then a theoretical hairy wombat came and took me to Ferngully. I think that the bats' name was Batty Coda or something like that.
Anyway, we were flying over the tree tops and we smashed into a tree. Suddenly I was back in a field of Phlox and Kinderyena and Chewbacca were sitting down playing chess.
"Hi, what took you so long?" said Kinderyena.
"Wahhennn Dahh!" said Chewbacca.
"Hi guys, how are you doing? I think that someone has been playing with my life. But now I am back in normal space. By the way, how are the kids?"
"Oh they are just fine," said Kinderyena with a burp.
"Okay."
Suddenly, a giant head fell down in the field about 100 feet away from us. Three strange figures came out of the nose of the head.
"Spaceballs," I said. "Well, there goes the planet."
"You idiots! How could you land us in a field of phlox!"
"I'm allergic to phlox, AACHHHOOOO!"
"Use the Schwartz sir!"
"Don't you mean the Force?" I said.
"Damn." said Kinderyena.
"The force is weak compared to the Schwartz. Just as evil will always win because the good is stupid."
"Well, I think that you're pretty stupid for crashing into a field of phlox."
"That's not the point."
"By the way, what is your name?"
"I am Dark Helmet, leader of the late planet Spaceball."
"Not much of a leader then, are you?" said Kinderyena.
"Shut up, insignificant dog!"
"I'm a hyena you dolt!" with that she knocked him over and his helmet closed up. He rolled around on the ground whining for his mommy.
"Ha, ha, ha, you dorkhead. Maybe you should go try to find a different planet to rule and leave our planet of complete stupidity alone."
Then and idea struck me in the head. Ow.
"Hey, wait, you would be the perfect leader in a land of complete stupidity," I said.
"You really think so?" Dark Helmet said.
"Whom better to rule this planet than a stupid person."
"But he's ugly too." said Kinderyena.
"Gwooahgg!" said Chewbacca.
I still was hurting from the idea when I thought . . .
"There is one little problem though."
"What's that?" said Dark Helmet.
"Tim the enchanter. He rules the planet right now. You'll have to defeat him to rule this world."
"Tell me his weakness."
"Well, I don't know. Startibartfast knows. It is somewhere in the basement though."
Then another idea smacked me across the head. Ow, more pain.
"A little boy might have the key to destroy Tim the enchanter."
"Hmm, and where is this little boy?"
"Well, he disappeared after he took the sword from the pedestal."
"Where is this pedestal?"
"Use the Schwartz and go there."
Everybody used the Schwartz.
Suddenly, we found ourselves floating in outer space.
"Damn." I said.
"You said good was stupid," said Kinderyena, "It seems to me that the Schwartz is stupid."
"Here here!"
"Gwaahuhh!?"
"Okay, so how do we get to the basement?" I said.
"Anybody got an ocarina?" said Kinderyena.
"No, but I do have a penny whistle," I said.
"What good is that going to do us?"
"I don't know, but why don't we ask Captain Picard?"
"Well how do we go to see him?" said Dark Helmet.
Everyone was stumped at this point. When suddenly the Pharlan reappeared.
"Well, so you finally got your act together. Okay, I'll open the portal for you. No funny stuff Spaceball." she said, glaring at Dark Helmet and drawing her sword. A flash of light came from it and a wormhole opened.
"Go on now. May your quest be long and interesting."
They walked through the portal and disappeared.
"Lasers," she muttered and returned to her ship.
Captain Picard, now alone, floating in space said, "Damn!"
We were traveling through the portal at R17 speed which is not a known velocity. It is based off of the person's subconscious. Anyway, we found ourselves, after we got out of the portal, in a dark town. What are those ugly moaning things that are coming towards us?
"Ahhhh!" I screamed as one of them looked straight at me. "Chewy! Kill it!" I said between clenched teeth.
"Gwohgwahh" said Chewy.
"What about you?" said Dark Helmet to Kinderyena.
"I don't touch dead things. Where's that penny whistle?"
"Uhvurhr" I said still paralyzed holding the penny whistle out.
"Great!" she said, grabbed it and played the sun's song.
Wow!!?? now it is a bright sun shiny day.
"What happened to those evil dudes?" I said, regaining my ability to speak.
"They can't come out during the day."
"Great, on to finding that kid." Dark Helmet said. "Which way do we go?"
Chewbacca growled and pointed to a broken drawbridge.
"How about that way?" I said.
In a few moments they were standing in front of Ganon's castle.
"We can't get anywhere from here!" whined Dark Helmet.
"Let's do this the easy way!" said Kinderyena, and she played the serenade of water. Immediately they were on an island in the middle of a large lake.
"Cool!" said Dark Helmet. ". . . . Um, I can't swim."
"Hey, who's that swimming in the lake?" I said.
"It looks a lot like Captain Picard. How did he get here?" Dark Helmet said.
"Hello out there! How are you doing?" I yelled.
"I'm rather wet at the moment but . . . look behind you!"
We all turned around and there was a young man in green with a drawn sword. I thought he was kind of cute. But what I said was, "Hey! That's the sword!"
"What do you want with the Master Sword? Only one worthy may wield it and I'm kind of using it right now."
"We must use it to destroy Tim the enchanter" said Dark Helmet.
"It seems that your cause is worthy but you must prove your worth. You must find the three golden beetles and then return to the Temple of Time and take up the Master Sword."
Everybody seemed to be okay with this.
A pain of hunger came about me. "Can we get something to eat. I haven't eaten anything since this story has begun."
Looking confused, the boy took us to . . .
Joe's Crab Shack and we all had crab for only $9.99. Link then said he had to go; played his ocarina and disappeared.
We ate as much crab as we could eat. Then the bill came.
"Okay, who has money?" I said. Well, no one did. Well, we spent the rest of the day washing dishes to work off our meal. Next time I have to remember to bring my inter-dimensional credit card that is good in any dimension.
After we were done washing dishes we all realized that we'd better start looking for the golden beetles. I suggested that we ask Timone and Pumbaa, given their expertise in bugs and beetles.
"Are those the ones that are the creamed filled kinds," asked Timone.
"No, you can't eat these," I told them.
"Ohh . . . Those are the ones that the Beast has in his enchanted castle. I think that he has a large problem with pests." Pumbaa told us.
We went up to the castle and knocked on the door. The Beast opened the door and roared "GO AWAY!!" in our faces, but then he saw Chewbacca and said "Oh, hello, I didn't see you there come on in."
"Golden beetles, huh? Well, how big do you say they are?"
We all looked at one another in confusion. Suddenly there was a loud banging. He stepped back and said, "I'll let you find out for yourselves."
"We looked at the ceiling and found several Golden Beetles that were the size of a human being. In other words, small in comparison to myself. There is only one problem with catching the beetles, you have to fly in order to catch them.
And so, yet again, the female Pharlan came to our rescue. I was standing on the balcony and I accidently fell off so she appeared below me in mid fall and made a bizarre face. I was so surprised that I missed the ground. I drew my lightsaber and slashed the beetles to pieces.
"You moron!" said Kinderyena.
"Wait!" said Dark Helmet, and he picked up a tiny golden beetle from the midst of the remains of the large ones. "This one must have been pregnant." he said. He put the beetle in the jar.
We gathered three beetles and thanked the Beast for his kindness.
"No problem. Just helping one of my own." He said, looking at Chewy. We went back to the village and found the kid playing a game of bombchu bowling.
"Hey, we got the beetles for you. Now can we use the sword to kill Tim the Enchanter."
"No way," said the boy. Suddenly the boy changed into Tim.
"Ahhhhh . . ." I screamed.
"He He He!" he said, "Now you shall never destroy me."
Suddenly an arm appeared out of another dimension holding a sword.
"Here, take the Sword of Light." said a voice.
"No thanks," I said and the hand disappeared.
"I choose you Meowth," I said, throwing a pokeball.
"I want my charm!" said Meowth.
"You have your charm! Now destroy Tim."
"Okay." He used payday and a million dollars worth of pennies fell on top of Tim. Finally, my enemy is dead. Okay, now what. Maybe I could try to become the greatest pokeman master ever, or maybe I could just go home.
"Naw" I said, "Come on Dark Helmet, let's go make you the leader of our original world."
"Okay" He said.
The problem with arch enemies is that they never really die, take Ganon and Bowser for instance. Suddenly, Q appeared with an entire Mariachi band.
"Hola amigos!" He said.